Survive the Hellscape for Dummies
Processing sexual violence, medical betrayal, and the myth of safety in a city I once loved — with a fistful of gummies.
Some places break your heart more than once.
I was sexually assaulted twice in the same town — once in college, and once again years later by a doctor. Both times, I learned what it means to be silenced, labeled, or pathologized for speaking up.
I wrote this poem at the end of 2024 while I wading through the darkest place I’ve ever been in. I was in the heat of the lawsuit, a dystopian political landscape, and managing my pain from daily, crushing migraines with the help of weed gummies. Yeah, girls just want to have fun, but damn, the system sure doesn’t want us to. They want us internalizing violence, decentering our intuition, overwhelmed, and too exhausted to change the systems making us suck.
It’s about how trauma repeats, how power hides, and what it costs to still be funny. My notes, below.
For breakfast I eat a fistful of Gummies Go the fuck to sleep Survive The Hellscape For Dummies So funny How she’s cracking jokes Funny how she always knows Funny how, now she can’t breathe Funny It’s a very contagious disease Smile, please Yes, she likes to mime Mining for a compliment Scanning right to left I’ll sense the temperature And dose him if I have to Represent But do you really feel me though My diet consists of Her use of prescriptions Step two is a Funny bone Silly girls Don’t leave your home And if you do Lock your door No ponytails Or overalls These monsters sit on Shiny thrones You can never really be too sure Every village has an idiot But mine has more Back to the gummy store… Step 3 in the chronicles It’s chronically deplorable It’s comically so wonderful To see their sons Entitled so Mommy never told them “no” Sue me once But sue me twice Fools hide their shame It’s cancer like They’re rotten to the core I’ve been bruised by the ones They seem so nice The nicest ones are terrifying Self-deprecating A disguise I’ve seen the brightest eyes go dark Don’t challenge them Without witnesses The ones with status Seem to find me I’m like a fucking magnet It’s tragic, I thought I’d like it here But I- I don’t feel safe after dark I don’t feel safe at the park I was secretly hoping to be Unseasonably warm In the coldest room of my heart This city We used to call it Peter Pan I used to- We used to- It’s useless. It’s a fucking masterpiece Master, please It’s overkill Nothing goes quite like roses with A scratchy throat I’d foot the bill For your gummies It’s a starter pack You might need something stronger if- You might Need something Leave breadcrumbs Leave one thing Leaving with love Can be so loving But first, I still have to find That gummy.
If this speaks to you, you’re not alone.
If you're navigating survival, silence, or systemic gaslighting, I’m building a home for us.
Have you ever returned to a city or system that betrayed you?
So powerful. Every word, how they speak to that which is unspeakable. But not anymore! Your voice is free and powerful. I hear you and I thank you.
I have returned to a system that betrayed me. Family. Trying to find safety in that which perpetrated the violence. I no longer return.